Lost In Thought
by SilverWolf7
Summary: Third story in the Gabriel's Recovery series. Gabriel has nightmares while in the camp in Alt!Michael's world. He talks with Castiel while calming himself down. Post episode s13e21.


This one continues on from Waking Up. This is becoming a series, so this will be fic #3. Starting with Settling In. It is currently going under the name Gabriel's Recovery series. As he slowly begins to heal from the trauma the torture left him with. This one features Gabriel/Rowena (it follows the episodes) and Castiel being worried over his younger big brother.

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Lost in Thought

Sex was a great way to cheer him up. He had learned centuries ago that sex felt great. And, after years of zero sex, he bet it felt even better.

He had made sure that he got Rowena to orgasm once with fingers and twice with his mouth before he even pulled down his pants. Mainly because it had been seven years for him and he had no idea how long he was going to last. And since that rather embarrassing show with his Grace earlier...well, he wanted to make sure she got something out of it just in case...

He did not expect to get caught before he actually got comfortable enough for that. They had settled for her using her hands on him.

If he had never been caught, he could have kept going for hours. Instead, they ended up planning while he was really uncomfortable with an unused, waning erection. Thankfully, he was able to use his anger and frustration on taking down his older bro.

And now he was stuck in another universe for who knew how long with the one they were relying on to get them out. Lucifer was supposed to be with Rowena, chained to his seat. Instead he was here making moon eyes at his son and hoping something would come of it.

Using up what little of his Grace he could use to destroy the angel wards around the camp had weakened him to the extent that he was basically useless. So now he wasn't only frustrated, he was afraid he'd be killed in his sleep, because he was exhausted.

Lucifer had fed off angels he had battled on his way to them. He wasn't exactly strong after he had used a lot of it up resurrecting Sam and keeping the rabid vamps at bay, but he still had Grace to burn.

It made him feel safer to learn that Jack seemed to favour the humans, rather than his Archangel father. Because Jack right now was stronger than Lucifer. The kid would be stronger than Lucifer once he had done a bit of training up regardless.

It was only because Jack was there, glaring at his bio dad, while sitting between Mary and Castiel, that allowed Gabriel to relax enough to lie down and lose consciousness for what he hoped would be at least 4 hours.

It was only 2 by the time he jerked awake with a start.

He had thought he was over the nightmares, since he had gotten his first good sleep the night before thanks to Rowena and her tea. Damn he wanted nothing more right then to just lose himself in that spitfire of a woman.

Instead he was made aware once again of Asmodeus. He had thought using Lucifer as a Grace generator would be his brother's punishment for his years of torture. He thought getting his sweet revenge on would help. He thought sex even of the non penetrative kind would make him feel better.

Instead he was still haunted by his memories. Because his neck was aching, his entire being screaming at him in phantom pain as he was reduced to dreaming of the first time he had his Grace stolen from him while he was awake.

His mouth had been freshly stitched shut. His fingers were regularly broken so he couldn't use his hands. He had already been weak. Asmodeus had taken a little of his Grace while he had still been unconscious and easy to control.

Kentucky Fried Dick had taken the rest he had wanted at that time shortly after he had woken up and had the situation spelled out to him.

Getting up, he slowly made his way to the entrance to the small shack he was in with the rest of the Winchesters and his universe's angels. He was slightly surprised that even Lucifer hadn't been able to deny himself the pull of sleep. Jack was cuddled up to Mary. Castiel wasn't inside.

A guard on duty was watching the Devil and refused to take his eyes off Lucifer. He was given a passing look by another guard as he crept outside to go to a nearby stump to sit on and calm himself down.

He was done with feeling betrayed by the people he had killed. He couldn't kill Lucifer, but at least he could get his revenge on him by cutting his throat and using his Grace.

Yet he still felt the betrayal just as sharp now as it had been before he had killed Loki and his sons. Still felt himself angry and pissed off with Lucifer for attempting to kill him and to get out of his punishment.

He wished Rowena was there to talk to and give him another cup of that tea. So far, it had been the one thing that had even remotely actually helped. No wonder he was so attracted to her. Still, right after a nightmare, especially one involving his Grace... They would be skipping out on the sex if she was there, because he really wasn't in the mood.

Nothing turned him off faster than being forced into an intimate act...

He had the sudden urge to use the entire shelter's water supply to try and scrub himself clean, but it would both be a waste of precious drinking water for the humans and wouldn't help. The first thing he had done once he had flown away from the bunker before being chased down was to make himself a bath. He had managed to hurt his vessel trying to get clean again. It had taken hours for the scratched up skin to heal.

He still wasn't able to say the words to others for what had really been done to him. Gabriel, the Messenger of God who had all the right words, couldn't say one short sentence.

Loki had been right. He was a pathetic failure. Nothing. Hopeless. Helpless.

"Gabriel?" a voice near him called out and he jumped to his feet, wings spreading out in a useless urge to fly. He didn't have the Grace to go far. His wings right now were as useless as the rest of him.

Castiel stared at the display, his face unmoving. He settled down a bit, seeing there was no threat. "Oh, it's you. Hey little bro."

"I didn't mean to startle you."

Gabriel shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Noticed you weren't' inside. What are you doing out here?"

Castiel tilted his head at him and Gabriel felt the urge to run his fingers through the dark hair and muss it up a bit. "I was patrolling. I am the only angel in the camp at full power right now. And with the sigils down, they will need angelic assistance to keep the borders safe."

Gabriel smiled bitterly up at his brother. "Still a soldier, then. I guess you weren't given much of a choice though. If it isn't Heaven, it's the Winchesters."

Castiel frowned. "They do tend to get themselves into a lot of trouble and I am their guardian."

Gabriel nodded at that one. He understood where Castiel's allegiance now lies. And it wasn't with Heaven. Still he knew that his little brother was worried over the fate of those left in Heaven and the souls held within.

He was worrying over it himself. If Heaven failed, it would be a very bad thing for all involved.

"Don't get lost in your mind again. Last time, when you were first in the bunker...it scared me." Castiel stared at him after saying that and he had no idea where it came from.

"What? Why would you even think that?" he asked, seriously confused about the sudden turn in the conversation.

"You keep getting that look in your eyes you had when you were first in the bunker, when you were still not talking. And you are hugging your knees."

Gabriel hadn't even noticed he was doing that. It had become ingrained in his life to do it to give him more space and to keep warm from the cold stone floors. Also for comfort, as he wasn't going to get that from any demon, was he?

He let his legs down to rest on the ground in front of him. "Oh. I didn't notice. Don't worry though, I wasn't lost in my mind, just in my thoughts."

Castiel's head tilted in the other direction and Gabriel reached up and ruffled that head of hair. He was then blessed with one of Sam's bitch faces coming from one of his own family. He had never been prouder of a learned human skill before.

"I thought you would never speak again."

Gabriel sighed and lowered his head into his hands. "Gee, thanks. There are still things that make me stop talking. I can't get it all out, even though I try. And it makes me feel like I will never find my voice again, though it doesn't really last that long. Usually only a few seconds of silence. Don't worry too much, Castiel. I won't go mute again. Hopefully."

After a few minutes of silence after that, Castiel shifted by his side. "I am going back to my guarding duties. Go back inside and get more sleep. You will need to for when we encounter Michael."

Getting up off his stump, Gabriel gave a sharp nod and went back inside. He at least did feel a little better from the open space of the camp.

Jack was the only one inside awake, but the kid didn't say anything. He went back to his place and laid himself down to try and get more sleep.

He jerked awake an hour later to phantom hands down his pants.

He had no idea if the dream was really bad, or really good.


End file.
